Days 1 – 3: Wednesday 7th September

Totton to Christchurch via Bangkok & Sydney

I knew it was going to be a long five weeks when the people I was chauffeuring around New Zealand all turned up with their designer bags whereas I’d brought Michaels 10 year old Umbro rucksack, which was described as looking like a French schoolboys.

We were soon at Heathrow trying to have our last pint of real beer before our 28 hour journey to the other side of the world. Ray wouldn’t sit with us because of my rucksack so sat the other side of the plane with one of his villain mates. They spent the journey to Bangkok talking about porridge, Geordie thinking about the next round of food to be served and whether his chocolate supplies would last the journey, Judy watching the films and me asleep. This proved painful in the bladder region as I had the aisle seat.

In Bangkok we had the mother of all electric storms which put our flight back, this proving entertaining to Judy as it was all her worst nightmares in one. We were soon in the air and Sydney was a rush as we had 15 mins to get from arrivals to departure. All accomplished with the help of being rescued from Security and rushed through. Don’t know what happened to Thursday as we were soon in Christchurch on Friday lunchtime. The centre is quite an eye opener with the damage, thousands have already left not to return.

We picked up our trusty Ford Falcon (which if they get rowdy in the back you can shut them up with ‘sport’ mode) & rugby tickets.

We were soon sampling the local ale, a brew called Speight’s. As normal with anything to do with rugby added to a recipe of Dog’s & Geordie we celebrated our first night very well. The guy who ran the bar was ex All Black hooker Tane Norton, who'd toured the UK in the 70’s, hence the craic with the locals was good.

Day 4: Saturday 10th September

Christchurch to Dunedin via Moeraki Boulders, England v Argentina

In the morning we hit the road to Dunedin a five hour trip south. An hour in we stopped for breakfast in Ashburton at Robbie’s Diner where a couple of strange encounters took place, firstly have our photo taken with a framed pair of Colin Meads underpants and the second seeing my two mates having lambs liver for breakfast which is on the menu round here.

We stopped off at Moeraki Boulders on the way down, some gert big round stones in the sea and a quick photo shoot and then into town. It was match day so the place was mad with streets shut, live bands and throngs of fans. We soon found the Terrace Bar which actually had an indoor terrace with massive screen. After a couple of beers we then tried to find Barry the president of Paphos Tigers. We walked so far we should have brought a dog, gave up and went to the ground for its first match. And what a place, bit strange being at a match sober but hey ho. The ground is roofed in and packed so the atmosphere fantastic. We duly tied our England flag with Tottonians emblazoned on it to a rail and found our seat in front of some gloating Kiwi’s. You all know about the match no doubt however what you don’t know is that it wasn’t the whistling and cheering that put Johnny off it was Judy shouting "GO JOHNNY!" at the top of her voice.

Back to The Terrace till the early morning chatting with a variety of Kiwis and other nations about the finer points of our fantastic sport. Judy was in her prime of nicking other peoples clothes and hats and trying them on Geordie, Ray was talking all and sundry to death whilst me the Chauff & kitty man was constantly to the bar and back working up a hunger for a kebab before trying to negotiate our way back to Motel 97.

Day 5: Sunday 11th September.

With heads better than expected it was off for breakfast at The Craic where we were interviewed by Talk Sport. We were trying to catch our breath by this stage so took in a few sights on foot. It was soon time for the next round of matches so we joined in with local custom of having dinner whilst watching Ireland scrape through. Geordie went off for some of his chocolate stash back at the room whilst the older three went back to The Terrace for the first big clash of Wales vs South Africa which was one of the best matches all had seen for a long time (unless you were Welsh or a Yarpee of course). What could be better washing down dinner with a few Speight’s in a bar full of rugbyites watching a real exciting game.

Day 6: Monday 12th September

Dunedin to Invercargill via Nugget Point & Serat Bay

Up and off to Invercargill today a 250km trip down the coast to the southern end of South Island. With clear heads we had a quick brekkie (no lambs liver this time). We had decided to take the Scenic Route on the NZ tourist trail. We called into the tourist information place in Balclutha where Angela suggested a route which was based upon food, which appealed to the back seat boys. Bearing in mind Christchurch was 17° today was 9° when we left and soon got down to 6°. This was soon joined by the rain falling in bucket loads. We turned off the main road to continue our adventure with only us and camper vans on the trail. We soon got to Nugget Point where a 500m walk out to the lighthouse past a group of fur seals revealed great views of the coast.

Back in the motor, back down the 8km gravelled road to the sealed highway to Serat Bay where Angela had assured us there was a 99% chance of sea lions. We parked up with a light rain in the air. We followed a sand path out to the bay over the sand dunes and started our search along the sand. Judy & I had full wet weather gear on with the back seat boys in coats and jeans. Halfway along the beach the wind had picked up to force 7 – 8 behind us and the rain was pouring. With no wildlife in sight we decided to turn back. Yep . . . you got it . . . we hit the 1%! Turning round we realised how strong the wind was and our return journey resembled Lawrence of Arabia in a desert storm. Judy apparently thought she was going to die and at one stage sat in the sea, thankfully Geordie looked after her.

The back seat boys were soaked through to their underpants and we had half the beach blown into every crack and crevice so it was off to the bar in Owaka for a beer, lunch & reflection. The chowder soon put a smile back on our faces & the last two-thirds of the journey were done in one, bypassing all the sights in the pissing rain with the wipers on double speed and the choco boys in the back asleep.

Invercargill is different and very quiet, bit like the end of the world however the locals are all friendly and beer & food in the Speights Ale House hit the spot. As we whiled away the evening with a few beers by the fire, we reflected on an eventful and, at times, amusing day.

Day 7 Bluff - Tuesday 13th September.

Geordie was up early to plan the day. I recovered from driving in a monsoon by sleeping in till 8.00am. After brekkie the mobile phone was sorted and off to Bluff right on the tip of South Island and world famous for its oysters. After driving in the rain down to the point it was photo time in front of the global signpost. Eventually it dried up and after a stroll round the point the weather returned so, while the others enjoyed an afternoon of a few movies, Merlot and relaxation, I have been in blog mode. Oysters for tea, more movies and beer ready for tomorrow our catch up day complete.

Day 8 Invercargill to Te Anau - Wednesday 14th September

The boys were excited and up making breakfast early. I thought they were excited about the days adventure but it turned out it was the supermarket trip for more choccy for the back seat. We waved goodbye to Invercargill (not the first place to put on your visiting list if you ever come over). Today we travelled up the west coast on a scenic route all the way to Te Anau. And it lived up to its name it was beautiful and raw. We only passed 2 million sheep today but there were also herds of deer that are being bred for venison. First stop was Rotopura where you can look out over a rocky beach towards the Tasman Sea. Ray & I decided how far we could rock hop out. I was in front when we suddenly looked up to see a 3’ sea rush coming at us, even perched on top of a rock it came up to my knees. Back to the car to unpack, empty my shoes out of sea water, new shoes and on our way. Next call was Tuitapere which is the sausage capital of NZ and Judy was very keen to visit. The 99 Café had about as much atmosphere as an unheated public urinal however none of us had the bollocks to tell the female chef/waitress as I am sure she just saw us as sausage meat!

The rest of the journey lived up to its name as a scenic route, ending up at Lake Manapouri, which is 20km down the road from Te Anau, where we are stopping for 3 nights. After a walk of the town bordering the lake we called into a bar for a few beers and a spot of dinner, followed by a few more beers while taking in the dreadful Scotland v Georgia game after which it was back to the Radford and off to bed.

Day 9 Doubtful Sound - Thursday 15th September

Today was a big day as we were off to the fjords. Up early to catch the bus outside our hotel and a short 20 min drive to Lake Manapouri. Here we got on a big cat and took a 55min 23knot drive across it, yes these lakes are massive. This one is 428m deep and has 38 islands in it. Once at the other side we got on a coach to go up over a pass over 600m up and into the snow zone, 400m straight down the side of the gravel track and no crash barrier, it was great. Once at the other side onto another cat and out onto the Doubtful Sound. This has 1000m granite cliffs with snow covered tops coming straight down into the water, just spectacular. Sun was shining it was great. As we approached the Tasman it started raining. Still that brought out two things, a pod of bottle nose dolphins and the waterfalls which start bringing the mountains to life within minutes. It was snowing coming back over the pass however when you get back to the lake they take you 2km underground to show you the turbine room of the hydro-electric dam, what a place. A 55 minute trip back across the lake and into the The Moose at 6pm to end a memorable day. Met up with a couple of Brits, Rodders & Nick, who we are meant to see in Dunedin along with Barry (President) & Gary (vets skipper) from Paphos but we will see. The USA beat Russia but Russia did get their first World Cup points.

Day 10 Keplar Track - Friday 16th September.

The boys were up early even though I hadn’t booked the water taxi till 10am, might be something to do with Geordie's snoring! We had breakfast overlooking the lake, and as Steve was there, jumped on the boat to take us across Lake Te Anau so we could walk round and back to the town.

This lake is the second largest in NZ. It is over 70km long so about from Cadnam to just this side of Dorchester. Its shore length is 537km and is over 450m deep. It is surrounded by mountains with snow covered tops at this time of the year on two sides. Steve gave us the low down and said if it rains like it can the level of the lake can rise 2 inches per hour, given the size of the bloody thing that’s some going. When he gave us the low down he just cut the engine mid lake which cheered up Judy no end. It took us a few hours to walk back but it was great. We were on the end of the Keplar Track a 3- 4 day walk up through the mountains stopping in mountain huts which looked good but was told I would be on my own (any chance of you popping over Al & Biddy).

This afternoon we went up the Milford Sound road to Mistletoe Lake & the Mirror Lakes which as their name suggests reflects the mountains behind into them. They were so clear you could see brown trout and the ducks swimming down to feed on the bottom. Called back into a café near the motel for a late lunch where Ray has just had the biggest bit of carrot cake you have ever seen, so at least he has had one of his five a day now. We wish we had fuelled up to go all the way but, hey-ho, back to update the blog while my little Geordie mate is snoring on the couch and Judy's reading on the balcony in the sunshine overlooking the lake.

'Right, wake up you bastards, its 5.30!' Time for a beer and the All Blacks v Japan game (well its Friday night and normally in the Compass by now). We went to the Redcliff Café round the corner and had the best meal we have all had for ages, place run by a young Kiwi and his missus. Geordie had mutton bird, a local delicacy, while Ray & I had Stewart Island mussels, which are the 'Jacko' of the mussel world. Went to watch the rugby in The Moose and the biggest cheer of the night was for the Japanese interception try. Judy was on the Johnny Walkers Red label so we had to leave at midnight.

Day 11 Te Anau to Dunedin - Saturday 17th September.

We all slept soundly, Ray on the couch as Geordie was sleeping too soundly. Have to pack up today and leave this beautiful part of NZ to head back to Dunedin for tomorrow’s game vs Georgia. Fine & sunny today so a very pleasant 320km drive back from west to east. The roads over here are empty so we made good time after filling the Falcon up with go juice. I was also allowed to play with sport mode. The Falcon ding-dings at you when you go over 100km/hr the national speed limit so the game of the day was to see how many times I could do it, when I got over 50 I stopped counting as it was getting boring. On the way we passed through a town where the farmer had painted or flagged his sheep in the participating nations emblems so an emergency stop & photo shoot was called. We arrived at Gore the country & western capital of NZ by mid-day. I would love to bring Hursty back here in one of his flowery blouses as I am sure he would be violated.

By 2.30pm we were back in the 97 Motel Moray and decided to hand Mike the landlord of the Duke of Wellington a note from his cousin Jed who runs the Turfcutters in Boldre. Brian had been chatting to him a couple of weeks before our departure. He eventually arrived and is probably the most miserable Kiwi we have met and didn’t show us any of the southern hospitality Jed had requested. So it was back to the Octagon where Judy decided to set a fierce pace and lead us on a pub crawl round the bars. Reminiscent of Michael in Dublin, she crashed and burnt midway through the Ireland v Australia game only to recover and make the end of the match with a bit of dancing afterwards. We left the two northerners in the bar and headed home as Sunday beckoned, a good night has by all with the Paddy’s winning.

Day 12 Baldwin Street, England v Georgia - Sunday 18th September.

Clear blue skies with the sun shining, a slow start with the men going round the corner for brekkie (fantastic omelettes) and giving the laundry a hammering as we have few clothes left to wear. Early kick off for us today, 6pm, so pacing ourselves is going to be tricky. We decided to walk to the ‘Worlds Steepest Street’ which was on the other side of town. A pleasant walk down past the Alhambra Union Rugby Club and through the botanical gardens (very cultural) taking about 75 minutes with Ray like a kid for the last half an hour, ‘Are we nearly there yet’ or ‘where is this fucking street?’ was probably more the truth. Baldwin Street was found and it was definitely uphill at a gradient of 1 in 2.86 and there were quite a few houses of it. We all walked up in the sunshine sweating out the last of the beers from the previous night and sat at the top admiring the view. Back to Alhambra Union Rugby Club which was advertising a jug of beer for $9 and Sunday lunch. It was packed with ex-pats and the food and beer was warmly received, pity about the three young Welsh lads nearly seeing their team beaten by Samoa. It was only 10 mins to the ground so we joined the mass of red and white with the Kiwis supporting the underdogs as a matter of course. Although he game only came to life in the second half the crowd kept it alive with singing, Mexican waves and chanting. We were happy with the result, we had done better than the Jocks against them, so off into town for a few more beers to watch the France Canada game. Earlier night than Saturday and a couple of young Kiwi students gave us the low down on the next days journey & Queenstown. One lasting memory of the day was the English lad with a pair of false tits on with ‘Tindall Was Here’ emblazoned across them.

Day 13 Dunedin to Queenstown via Lawrence - Monday 19th September.

Off to Queenstown to get Ray into the Altitude Club so he could get into trouble before Nicky arrives. Tell you more in person so as not to incriminate but I have asked her to the wedding. On a mixed day a 280km drive. The girls from the night before told us to have brunch in Lawrence their home town so we duly obliged. In Dunedin the temp was 12°, by the time we got to Lawrence it was 5 deg with a howling wind, still a great brunch and with 180km to go the sightseeing started. First was the dam, hydro-electric power stations at Roxburgh & Clyde, awesome sight which provide 10% of the Kiwi’s power. Next was Roaring Meg another smaller one sited in a gorge. Next was watching the Bungy Jumping from a suspension bridge over a gorge and a young lad in a kilt. The views got better and better the closer we got to Queenstown eventually arriving about 4.00pm. Unpacked we decided to see what the town had to offer. We ended up in the wharf and array of bars and restaurants and frequented the Pub in Wharf with Macs being the brew and fresh Bluff oysters available. We had got half way down the first pint when Coochy (ex Bath & England prop Gareth Chilcott) sat down beside us and chatted about the England team and rugby in general for an hour or so. After dinner it was a pub crawl back to the motel in the early hours under a starry sky. It nearly took your breath away getting between the sheets.

Day 14 Coronet Peak - Tuesday 20th September.

Absolutely clear blue skies but on with the heating in the apartment. The mountains were crystal clear and it was off up to Coronet Peak for a fantastic days skiing in 17° and not a cloud in the sky. Had to scrape the frost off the Falcon first though. We have all caught the sun and after a bit of a relax sat on the terrace overlooking the lake in the sunshine it’s off to town for dinner and a couple of liveners to watch Italy vs Russia.